Have you ever felt like laughing and crying all wrapped up in one? Where total disbelief meets utter amazement and your palms are sweating and your stomach is churning and your face is flushed and surely a lack of consciousness is next? Have you ever had all those emotions at once and not been able to express a single one of them?
There I was, new girl in town. Just started my job three weeks to the day before that moment. Because the town I was living in was too small to stock pregnancy tests at the local grocery store I had braved a blizzard through my lunch hour to be standing in a rural hospital holding a piece of yellow paper with the word “PREGNANT” scrawled upon it like a haphazard addition to someone’s grocery list. The nurse was looking up at my face for some sort of reaction. “Is this what you were looking for?” she asked. As if it had been a long forgotten set of keys or misplaced cellphone she were handing me instead of proof that my life was about to be flipped completely upside down. I swallowed every ounce of emotion that was brewing inside of me and smiled out the corner of my mouth. Not trusting my voice, I nodded and turned on my heels, heading back out into the winter storm.
I sat in my car, which I now realized would never hold me and my new family. A two door Alero?? How would I pack up my child, who would clearly be the size of a linebacker, into the back seat of this vehicle?? I would obviously need to buy something else. But what? I just started a job and had forty zillion dollars worth of student loans to pay back. How could I afford a new car? How could I afford a kid? I drove back to the place I was renting on autopilot and sat on my living room floor holding my cordless phone in my hand. In twenty minutes I had to go back to work and pretend everything was okay. In twenty minutes I had to walk back in the door of my office, which I shared with my brand new boss, and act like life was exactly the same as it was thirty minutes before now. I had to pretend that I hadn’t just dumped my boyfriend of two year five weeks earlier, completed my university degree one week after that, started officially dating the love of my life in the middle of that somewhere and am now sitting alone, barefoot and accidently pregnant on my living room floor in the middle of a blizzard.
I guess I better call my sister