Barefootin' Mama in the Middle of Nowhere

Dear Maternity Clothing People

Dear Maternity Clothes Manufacturers/ Designers,

I just wanted to send a quick letter your way to let you know how extremely FRUSTRATED you make me.  First of all, why the outlandishly high prices for your stupid clothes that most of us wear for less than four months anyway?? OKAY… maybe six… but seriously… $80 for jeans that I am only going to get six months out of… And yes… yes I can say only six months because the second time I get pregnant… that stupid belly band you think is sooooo awesome will be too freaking stretched out to fit on my belly anyway.  Not only that but the first time I was pregnant… you and your cronies who work in the maternity stores tell you buy in the same size you wore before you got pregnant…. handy… except for the second time I get pregnant (or any other subsequent times) what are the chances that I weigh the same as I did pre-pregnancy the first time??? Slim to freaking none!  So the pants will either be too small or too big… so I will have to buy more… AND.. not only the jeans… but all your clothes (typically) are expensive… and that’s so not cool.  Because most of us don’t get pregnant bam, bam, bam… so by the time we are having our third child… it has been six to eight years from the first one… and our maternity clothes are so outdated that TLC is contemplating doing a week of “What Not To Wear Expecting” …..So don’t charge me $80 that is b.s.!!!

Secondly… your shirts… your shirts are GARBAGE!!!! They look sooo nice (in the flyers you send out) and on the stupid mannequins in the store (by the way… if anyone is seriously that cute when they are pregnant… I hate you… just so you know)… and they look good and fit great when you first buy them…. but then it’s like you people believe in the old-fashioned way of a woman staying in the house and not leaving her room for the whole last month of her pregnancy because somewhere around that last month (or two) none of the damn shirts fit anymore… SERIOUSLY??? I don’t want to dress up in a tent size XXL shirt when I am only a medium in real life… because it is the only size of shirt that you make that is actually long enough to cover my belly.  What is your problem?? Did you all fail  physics??? The bigger outwards my belly grows… the shorter my shirt becomes until lo and behold I look like one of those men who lives in a trailer and is drinking beer with mustard stains on his shirt… that his big, hairy, belly just so happens to be hanging out the bottom of.  So now (if this is my second pregnancy), not only are my pants so loose my crack is hanging out the back every other second, my belly is hanging out the front…. My god… I might as well buy a couple of moo-moos and just stay in the house.  It drives me insane that the only shirts I can wear in the end are non-pregnancy ones that are long enough but so damn tight (because they aren’t made to accompany me and my growing baby bump) you can tell exactly where my belly button is… Why don’t you guys work together and come up with a nice looking, not so damn tight, LONG shirt that doesn’t show off my belly!  Then maybe I won’t gasp in horror when I see that you actually want me to shell out forty dollars for a shirt that I won’t even look good in for the entire five months that I wear it.

And lastly, we don’t all want to wear cotton, boxed nursing bras.  Some of us like to feel sexy even though we will be having a baby hang off our tits for the next year.  Some of us still want to wear strapless shirts/dresses or even some that show a little cleavage… so lets work on making some nice, good-looking, underwire bras in more colors than just black and white and nude. Perhaps there would be less cases of postpartum depression if we didn’t have to get up in the morning, brush the baby puked-on hair out of our eyes and then adorn our grandmother’s bra.  I personally want to distract my husband from the disgusting stretch marks that have taken over most of my mid-section and draw his attention to the one thing that actually gets better when you are pregnant/nursing… my boobs.  So do me a favour…. invest in researching awesome colors and fabrics… and designs that will allow us to be sexy mammas… hell call victoria secret or la senza…. I bet you could team up and do some serious damage.

I just thought I would bring these things to your attention.  Please correct them soon… it’s too late for me… (perhaps) but maybe the next group of pregnant ladies can benefit from these tips.

Sincerely,

Bloated in Saskatchewan

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