Emergency Room Follies
So we are driving to the hospital now… it is around 5pm… I had to change and nurse emmet and get him dressed in a bunny hug (with only one hand) while Paul tried to arrange things with the rest of the guys so he could leave them to combine while he drove me to the hospital…
Me: I’ve never had stitches before
Paul: (doesn’t even turn to look at me) oh……. they hurt
Me: What? They freeze my hand first though… how could they hurt??
Paul: The freezing needle hurts ALOT and sometimes they don’t get you all the way frozen… they hurt
I am sitting there.. my head spinning.. I don’t take freezing well at the dentist… in fact, I HATE the dentist… oh my god… I am going to die… let’s turn around… we probably don’t need stitches.. I’ll be A-Okay!!! TURN AROUND!!!!!!!
Me: Oh… well, I’m tough
****at the hospital… after explaining to the nurses’ station what I need and what happened to me they promise to call the doctor in. I am sitting in an exam room waiting.**
NUrse: here lay down on this bed
Me: Why? Are you going to stitch me up?
NUrse: No… no they don’t pay me enough to stitch you up… but sometimes when I am watching the doctor do it I am thinking… I could do a better job than him… (leaning in and whispering)… he’s kind of a hack job…. especially on kids
**WTF?!?! Who says that?? To someone in need of stitches????**
Me: Oh… so the doctor… he’s hear??
THEN WHY DO I NEED TO LAY DOWN?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Half an hour later…. the doctor shows up (thank god I didn’t lay down) He looks at my finger and says.. “well, i guess I should give you a couple stitches….. to help this heal up… OR… actually.. we won’t give you any… you just can’t use the finger for a couple weeks… what do you do??”
Me: I’m a mom
Doc: Oh so you won’t have trouble taking a break from work
Me: Ummmmmm actually…. I kinda use that finger every single day
Doc: Oh…. so I will give you a couple stitches…. but it’s really going to hurt
Doc: I have to do a ring block and it’s really painful to freeze your finger like that… are you sure you want stitches??
**I Am going to faint…. or be sick to my stomach… or something…**
Paul: Get the stitches… you’ll be fine!
Me: Okay… but how much is it going to hurt???
Doc: Well…. you have two kids… it can’t be any worse than labor…
**Fainting is probably a for sure thing now… I was terrified to a level of extreme about labor before I had kids… and having never experienced it… it still scares the ever loving shit out of me…. maybe I don’t need this finger after all ****
Me:… Can’t you just stick a needle in my wrist and freeze my whole hand? Badabingbadaboom… I don’t need to use my hand tonight… my husband is here… That’ll solve all our problems!
Doc: **looking at me like I have a third eye** no
** so now we are alone and he goes to stick this needle in my finger**
Me: WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!! CAn’t you wait for the nurse to come back so someone can hold my hand?
Doc: Oh my god… fine
Nurse: I’m back… what’s up?
Me: Hold my hand please… he said this is going to hurt like labor…
Nurse: Well…… he didn’t lie. Here… breathe like this… we’ll practice your labor breathing
Me: I DIDNT HAVE LABOR… I HAD MY KIDS CUT OUT OF ME
** After some painful freezing (which didn’t hurt nearly like he said it was going to) I tell him I don’t freeze very well…**
DOc: oh your frozen… trust me….
Me: OWWWW WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY FINGER???????
Doc: NOthing anymore… let’s get this girl some more freezing
Me: Was he stitching me up???
Nurse: he stopped… we’ll freeze you more..
** Now I have stitches… the doctor leaves…**
Nurse: ** puts some salve stuff on my wound** Are you allergic to anything???
Me: Nope.. why?
Nurse: I should have asked you that before I put that on… it’s an antibiotic ointment
Nurse : **cleaning my bloody hand and still bleeding finger** Do you have any infectious diseases?
Me: No… why??
Nurse: hahaha because I should probably be wearing gloves…
And then I smile and say ” well i had aids once…. but I probably won’t catch it again….” In my head of course… in my head….