Barefootin' Mama in the Middle of Nowhere

Posts tagged “crazy

I’m BAAAACK!!!!

 

 I am quite certain I made this EXACT face today (except that mine was a girl’s version and my nostrils aren’t quite so wide… I don’t think… perhaps next time I should look in the mirror while I make this face)…  You can’t honestly sit there and try to pretend that you haven’t made this face at least ONCE in your life.  Seriously… quit lying to yourself… you have.  It was probably at your husband.  Well, in my case it was at mine.. or rather… about him, as he was not here when I made the face.  Hence why I made the face in the first place.

I sit here as a mother to a boy… a boy who I VOW not to let turn into his father… dirty clothes on the bedroom floor.. beer cans on the coffee table… grumbling about helping with household chores…. I, like ALL those mothers before me, vow to not let this happen.  I WILL teach my son to clean up after himself.  To help with laundry and child rearing… to encourage his future wife to have guiltless free-time and to never, ever, ever say things like “it’s good, but my mother’s is better”.  I VOW to ensure he does all the little things to make his wife feel special and pretty and more important than “Greatest Tank Battles” on TV.

I sit here as a wife wondering where that man escapes to?  Where does the little boy whose mother worked so hard to train to say excuse me after he belches and to not lick his plate clean go to learn all those habits back?? What place on this earth completely erases all the hard work a mother puts into her son and turns him into a man? A disgusting, beer drinking (do not for one second think I do not like beer… because I LOVE beer… in fact, I even like to belch while drinking beer (in private of course) but I do not like the leaving around of the empty beer containers), dirty clothes abandoning, muddy boots on in the kitchen, man.  And when is it okay for me to start counting to three and threatening my husband that I will throw his dirty clothes and boots outside in a mud puddle if he doesn’t clean up after himself?

Because I would much rather make this face all day long than the above one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Hello My Name is……?!?!?@!?!?

I have heard of a girl named Tequila Friday. Who does that? Seriously… if you have named your child after a favourite alcoholic beverage of yours and you read this blog (chances are you don’t… as I know most people who read this blog)… leave me a comment… and explain. Because I’m not judging… okay, yes, yes I am! But even though I am seriously judging you for naming your child after an alcoholic beverage (or any beverage for that matter) I want to understand what you were thinking at the time. DId you take too many drugs during birth and then you were thinking about drinking when you were filling out the name form paper?? Maybe you meant to write Tessa but were thinking “god I need a drink” and so you wrote Tequila instead. I could see how maybe that could happen… except for then maybe when your husband read the paper over before he signed it saying he agreed with everything he would notice and say ‘hey honey, didn’t we agree to name our baby tessa?? because you have gone and written tequila… oops.. maybe while you change that… I can run to the store and get you something to drink…’ ANd then you, the responsible mother that you are, would say ‘oh yeah, tee hee, silly me… I guess I have a one track mind today’… and then your daughter wouldn’t grow up with all of the horrible things that she would otherwise go through life experiencing.
I mean… isn’t life hard enough??? Hard enough without having a crazy name for your child that will clearly create problems?? Maybe that’s what you are thinking though… like Johnny Cash.. if your son or daughter has a name that everyone will make fun of… they will eventually toughen up and then they will be able to withstand all the pain and suffering that comes their way. That is really nice of you parents to consider that for your children and provide them with the opportunities to become a stronger person… how wrong of me (and probably everyone else in the world… not gonna lie..) to judge you for naming your child Tequila…. you were only being kind.
Or maybe you are one of those types of people (yes there are types of people when it comes to naming kids.. there are types of people in every thing we do on a daily basis.. trust me) who named your kid Ginyphyrr (oh yes… that is the name Jennifer) and spelt it just like that. WHY? Did your baby kick you alot while she/he was growing? DId he squat down on your sciatic nerve throughout your entire pregnancy and just throw punches at your uterus walls?? Maybe you had a really, really, really long labour and he came out backwards or something and you tore from your who-ha to your asshole and so you wanted revenge… sweet, sweet revenge… Because I don’t know why you would do that if that weren’t the case. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I am all about having a ‘different’ way of spelling names… I am not completely one hundred percent sold on the phonetic spelling of people’s names… however, I do believe in being reasonable. There is a difference between Ginyphyrr and Jenifer and Jennifer…. One is cruel and unusual… and your child is going to grow up and subconsciously hate you and then move on to name her child some crazy name and spell it completely off the hook and the vicious cycle will continue. I only know this because I have a name that people LOVE to spell in many different “Creative” ways.. like Caitlynn, Caitlin, Katelin, Kaitlin, Kaytlyn… I was lucky enough to be spelled Katelyn… so you would think that when people tried to write my name down that would be how they would try first.. Just like if I met someone named Jeff I wouldn’t assume right off the hop that it was spelled Geoff. But NO… people NEVER guess the proper way… the easiest damn way that they could ever guess they don’t… they just start throwing C’s and I’s and all sorts of crazy shit in there… and it’s ANNOYING.
OR… there are the people out there who want to rhyme their kids’ names. Either with the other children in the family (this is especially common in twins) or with the last name. Like Mandy, Brandy, Sandy, and Shandy. Or Sarry Perry, Devin McSchevin, Tyler Myler… mean, mean, mean. (and people make fun of you behind your back….. ALOT…. trust me… I am one of those people). OR… the people who name their kids ALL the same starting letter??? What purpose does this serve??? To have Jack and Jill and Jessie and Jason and Justin and Jessica… That just means you are so anal retentive that you couldn’t even imagine having the courage to try a new letter… “OH no… no… we better stick with J… what if we name the last one Adam or something?? Nobody will know he’s ours. Or, worse yet, it might be bad luck.” Seriously people? Pick a different letter!!!!!! And probably the most insane and rude way to name your kids (twins more specifically) I have heard of once in my life…. male and female versions of the same name… LAZY and RUDE… Paul’s Aunt’s husband has five sets of twins in his family. His name is Dennis… his twin is Denise… and all five sets are just like that… Probably those parents should have had their naming responsibilities taken away from them after doing it the first time. Someone ( a relative… a doctor… the government) should have stepped in and said “Alrighty… you CLEARLY aren’t capable of making competent decisions on your own… we’ll take over from here)… but unfortunately… there are no laws against that.
Ever since I was a little girl I was fascinated with names… I wanted to change mine everyday!! And when I wrote stories… or books or whatever I did… everyone had a really cool name… and that was my favourite part of it all. In fact, I think I played house with my one friend years and years past when we should have stopped playing house just because I wanted the daily opportunity to name those dolls something different. I would write out lists… lists of names (first and middle) that I couldn’t WAIT to name my future children…. ANd now.. now I was pregnant and about to have the chance…
OH THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!! What if we picked a name and then hated it a few weeks later??? What if we picked a name and then a hundred people in the same area picked the same name and our child went to school with fifteen other kids with the same name just vastly different spellings?? What if the name we picked sucked?? And nobody told us??? OH MY GOD… I couldn’t do it! This child would be nameless until it was old enough to choose its own… then the pressure would be off of me. Because there was definitely going to be pressure…. Everyone who knows me would be waiting to see what we named our baby… especially because I have such a strong opinion on children’s names… and who gets to pick what… so they would want to see what I decided on…. I say me and not ‘Paul and I’ because crazy as it may sound… Paul didn’t strike me as the kind of guy who was going to get too into the naming of our child…. as traditionally, men tend to let the women handle that part of things… and Paul is a pretty traditional guy.
We bought baby name books right away… two of them… because for some reason thought one wouldn’t have enough options in it (even though the cover promised 50,000 name choices)…. note to future moms… you do not need to invest in two… you probably don’t even need one… the internet has lots of free sites on it… but if you are like me and like to hold books and paper in your hands in a tangible forms… then buy one.. and only one… unless you plan on being a baby name book hog and never ever ever ever letting your husband look at it (like I was)… in that case… buy two… so he can feel like his is contributing somewhat.
After reading through the baby name books, starring the ones that I liked, writing up a list of possible names… first and middle… we had about fourteen million names that we thought would be… meh alright… and we had nine months to narrow it down. So every once in a while we would talk about names and cross more off the list… and add more to the list… Paul participated WAY more than I thought he ever would. I was difficult… all the names I loved (and have loved for a very long time) were the old-fashioned, simplistic names like Sadie, and Emma, Hannah, and Ella, etc… but apparently EVERYONE else like those names too. And there is nothing that I hate more than when you buy a car and then the next week you see eighty-nine of those cars in the parking lot at Wal-mart and you are like… whoa.. I never saw a car like this before… did all these people go and buy the same car as me on the same day… because now the car that you thought was all unique and special is just a car that eighty-nine other people have…. and I definitely didn’t want to do that with our future child’s name. I wanted something unique but not crazy… I didn’t want to name the child Brittany (because there are WAY Too many Brittanys in the world)… but I didn’t want to name her Shoniqua either…
And then there was the issue that Paul’s last name is a first name… Toney. So we had to be careful what names we chose. I LOVE names that are strong and masculine and most likely started out as last names… case in point… Brannigan or Harrison or so on along those lines. Paul is overly concerned with those names because he is convinced that if we were to have a boy and name it a last name as a first name… combined with our first name as a last name.. whenever he went places to compete in sports such as minor hockey.. the announcers would forever assume that someone wrote this kid’s name in the wrong order and call him by his last name and then his first name… he would then grow up to hate us. *sigh*…. we were doomed.
Eventually we narrowed it down to two first names for a girl (the middle names were going to stay the same… and yes… I said middle nameS as in two.. because I think it’s old-fashioned and wholly romantic to have two middle names and I am super jealous of people who do!!)… and two for the boy… We decided to go into the hospital choosing between Harper Bernard Graesyn or Levynn Bernard Graesyn (Levynn was some stripper on talk radio on satellite radio that paul heard… KIDDING… ONLY KIDDING… about the stripper part) for a girl… I don’t want to spoil the non surprise but I am so glad that we picked Levynn… because everyone named their kid something that started with an ‘H’ this year… AND I think of Steven Harper every time I hear that name now… and trust me…. that is not something I want to bestow upon my daughter…